"Cook Me a Sandwich, Woman!"

FEATURE | GAMES

Written by Tahlia Coward (she/any) | @totallymothman | Contributing Writer

I can’t begin to count the number of times and types of slurs I’ve been called by an ‘Alpha’ male in a game of Valorant; I wouldn’t have enough fingers on two hands to do so. Or the number of times I’ve been pushed to be a ‘healer’ and to leave the duelling to the “ones that can handle it better”. There have been plenty of times when the mute button became my friend. Their words, as ‘harmless’ as they may be, just a voice from the other side of the screen, sunk under my skin and nestled its home in the depths of my brain, making me constantly worry about how I sound on the microphone.

Thanks to my brother, I grew up loving video games. The PlayStation 2 was my first immersion into the pixel world. From Crash Bandicoot to Sypro, simple games that my 10-year-old brain could handle (shout out to that one Tony Hawk Skate game that I remember playing constantly to the point where the CD became so scratched that it would jitter the game itself.) Because of my brother, I continued playing video games as I grew older, eventually moving to a Playstation 4 and my PC. 

I moved to more competitive games, craving the feeling of satisfaction that I couldn’t get out of completing Kingdom Hearts’ boss fights or having my Minecraft “2 weeks phase” end at an unfortunate time. That’s when the world of shooter games came to me. It was as if a light had shone from the sky onto my PC as I watched the world's pandemonium of Fortnite explode on our screens. Holy shit, I spent most of the 2020 Lockdowns on this game, ending up with 2000 hours on it… It was addicting; going up against people to try to get that victory crown. Even though it’s a digital crown and is literally useless in the game, other than to brag that you are capable of holding your ground – to me, it was about proving my worth.

Then I discovered Valorant and my ‘gaming career’ went downhill. Valorant’s first-person tactical PC game was created by Riot Games (well-known for creating League of Legends). You play as agents with different abilities and there are various guns brought in the store. It’s a 5v5 situation on different maps and various game selections, from Unrated to Swiftplay. Now, there is one game mode that is a cesspit for toxicity to gather: Competitive. All of a sudden, I went from getting crowns in Fortnite to trying to move up through the various ranks of Valorant. I went from having fun to proving my worth every single game, not wanting to be on the bottom frag of the team or disappointing them. 

Everything seemed fine.

Until I made one mistake in a game, and a man on my team called me the R slur. The moment that word left his lips it stabbed my skin, I was wounded. As a disabled gamer (a deaf/HOH player!), it stung. It fucking hurt not only my ego but my mentality. He continued speaking, throwing stones against my glass, and all I could say was: “I’m sorry.”

And then it was as if a storm had appeared, sending down lightning, and I was in the middle of a field, vulnerable. Each bolt dangerously close to me, with each word as vile as the next. Each game welcomed a dark cloud of daggers into my back:

“bro you sound fat as fuck” Mute.

“ew, what is your voice? are you a man or a woman?” Mute.

“what are you, a fucking [r slur]?” Mute.

“go make me a sandwich, woman” Mute.

How come I have to mute them? How come I’m not allowed to enjoy a game without having every single one of my moves criticised by someone who thinks he is entitled? Can I finally say something without it having to be an apology? Every single one of these words has slipped out of a man’s mouth, and every single time, it has made me wonder whether I belong in the gaming community, and wonder why I am denied entry to the ‘boys’ club’?

Eventually, I got used to it. I started to bite back, even if it meant losing my sense of self-worth because I was doing exactly what they were doing. I stooped to their level. I wanted to break the chains of being restricted to cosy games, (stereotypically ‘female’ games within the community), such as Stardew Valley or The Sims. But if it meant losing my identity to play these ‘boy’s’ games, then was it worth it? Was it not considered ‘girly’ enough if I played Dead by Daylight or Apex Legends? It was difficult, having to balance between femininity and my love for “masculine” video games – who was I?

But then I saw so many people in my position, and I saw them fighting back. For the first time since playing shooter games, it gave me hope. I saw others experiencing the same sort of ableism and misogyny on not only Valorant but also other FPS platforms such as Overwatch or Call of Duty. They didn’t surrender to the words that struck my anxiety, but used them as armour. No woman was left out of this fight. It was as if the storm had passed, and the sun shone down again, and that’s when I knew I wasn’t alone.

And to those who are toxic towards people in online games? Maybe check yourself first before you start to hurt others. After all, it’s just a game bro :) We all want to have fun here <3