by Thomas Giblin (he/him)
culture & lifestyle writer
Prepare yourself for six films, dissected and investigated to their horniest ends. All given a Netflix and Chill rating for your convenience. Why the number six, you ask? Because six sounds like sex.
Cars (2006)
Now hear me out - Cars is the horniest of horny films. The film - which is best described as an anthropomorphic orgy - is rife with adult innuendos from start to finish. Don’t believe me? Twin cars approach Lightning McQueen, exclaiming that they're his biggest fans and pop up their headlights, 'flashing' McQueen. A sign for a ‘Top Down’ truck stop features. Plus, I’m not the only person left dying on this hill. Case and point - a graphic image I stumbled upon when playing the 50/50 Reddit Challenge of Sally Carrera, the blue Porsche 911, telling McQueen that “this is the best throttle of my life." Does this image solve the issue of sexual reproduction in the Cars universe? I’m not convinced. We know that baby cars exist, as seen in Cars 3, but what logic can we find in a cartoon film? Logic can't be found, so I'll settle with the homunculus theory, a disturbing idea that "the mechanical car is just the external body of these human-derived creatures." This idea isn't sexy, so forget I said anything, turn on Cars, hit up your dealer and ask the love of your life to come over.
Netflix and Chill rating: 9/10
The Handmaiden (2016)
In 2016, Park Chan-wook directed this masterpiece - the world hasn't been the same since. From the mind of Oldboy, Lady Vengeance, and Thirst comes a sumptuously erotic tale that delights the senses. Chan-wook is reflective; the male gaze is pulled apart limb by limb as a web of fervent pleasure is constructed. Together Kim Min-hee and Kim Tae-ri deliver Korean cinema's finest hour. Unashamedly bold in its perversion and kinks, The Handmaiden is a film so lurid in its pleasures you cannot help but revel in its opulence.
Netflix and Chill rating: 6/10
Crash (1996)
"The only way I can cum is if I'm hit by a car" is a short but accurate description of David Cronenberg's Crash. Cronenberg is clearly horny, as violent entanglements of twisted metal and broken glass become orgasmic rituals, a way of life. Some say Cronenberg peaked with The Fly or Videodrome, but Crash truly encapsulates his prowess. Machine and flesh intertwine like no other - watch the film at your own peril.
Netflix and Chill rating: 3/10
Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
You can't talk about horny films without including the 13th and last film from Stanley Kubrick: Eyes Wide Shut.
Sex isn't always sensual, it can be cold and awkward. As fantasies linger beneath the psyche and bodies morph together, sex is a transaction—a sinister force. A bourgeois New York doctor, played by Tom Cruise succumbs to these fantasies, leading him towards a dream world of pleasures. As Cruise flirts with the rainbow, his reality unfolds and masked figures slowly reveal themselves. "No dream is ever just a dream", Cruise utters to his wife, played by Nicole Kidman (who insists that the film did not contribute to their real-world divorce). In Eyes Wide Shut, sexual consciousness isn't random; our lucid dream formulations represent our repressed desires, bursting to the surface.
Eyes Wide Shut is also a Christmas movie, so make sure to watch it with your parents this December 25th!
Netflix and Chill rating: 8/10
Top Gun (1986)
Yes, another Tom Cruise film—this is also the point in the article where I ashamedly admit I named myself after the actor when I was 11. My name was Tom and I had gone on a cruise. As inexcusable as military propaganda films are, at least this one contains homoerotic scenes in which shirtless, sweaty men play volleyball. Think Call Me By Your Name's opening scene. As Maverick and Iceman dance together in the sky, their jets twirl each other — an act of thrilling 80s eroticism. The soundtrack is iconic, "Take My Breath Away" and "Danger Zone", setting the scene for a love story that would leave Shakespeare quaking in his boots. Maverick has "the Need For Speed!" but after watching Top Gun, you'll need to step outside and take a breather as you will certainly be flustered.
Netflix and Chill rating: 5/10
Love (2015)
From provocateur Gaspar Noé comes Love, a fun family film best described as "fucking insane." The film is notable for its unsimulated sex scenes, stoking a conversation about whether or not Love is pornography disguised as art. I'm genuinely serious when I say there's a scene where a character ejaculates into the camera lenses—nothing can prepare you for that. As a Climax fanboy, I will defend Noé until I die, but even this film pushes my boundaries. Is that not the point of all art though, to provoke? Noé 'simply' depicts sex and relationships in their rawest form.
"I'm a loser. Yeah, just a dick. And dick has no brain. A dick has only one purpose: to fuck. And I fucked it all up. Yeah. I'm good at one thing: fucking things up." Netflix and Chill rating: 0/10
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