Down & Dirty: Reviewing Porn (For the Plot)

ENTERTAINMENT | REVIEW | SEX

Written by Luke Fisher (he/him) | @lukefish7_ | Contributing Writer

Illustration by Gabbie De Baron (she/they) | @gabizzlesizzle | Graphic Designer

TW: Sex, Sexuality, Porn

Porn. It is ubiquitous in society, yet no one wants to talk about it openly. Including me. If I display a deep knowledge of porn, what does that say about me? But, if I don’t appear informed, this article will ‘blow’. I can only hope that I come across as an “informed shitposter”, rather than a “creepy connoisseur”. My editor gave me those honorifics.

This piece was partly inspired by a docu-series called Chris and Eli’s Porn Revolution. It wanted to start a national conversation about what an ethical and healthy relationship with porn looks like. Chris and Eli asked Aotearoa to ‘get on top of porn’.

A few of their top tips were to pay for ethically produced porn, remember that X-rated content isn’t educational, and listen to yourself - you define your relationship with it. Porn, while commonplace, has many dangerous and problematic aspects. But for a moment, let’s put the dangers of porn to the side and instead focus on its often hilariously unrealistic tropes & cliches.

Porn birthed the infamous black leather casting couch, advertisements that insult you for being alone and the idea that getting freaky in the back of a taxi is somehow practical. Adult films have also introduced us to doctor-cum-engineer-cum-karate master-cum-school teacher-cum-plumber-cum-office-worker-cum-pizza delivery guy-cum-preacher-cum-soldiercum-policeman-cum-astronaut-cum-firefighter Johnny Sins.

Statistics have revealed the titillating fact that people from the Bay of Plenty are more likely to search for “Pillow Humping” on PornHub compared to the rest of Aotearoa. In 2019, people from Gisborne spent the most time (11mins 16secs) per visit in the country. The city also leads in searches for “Feet”. Go Gisborne!

What these statistics don’t tell us is why people are watching porn. But that’s because it’s obvious. We only ever watch porn for the plot, right? Let’s review it.

One Meatlovers Pizza with Extra Sausage

This one is a classic. In this plot, a woman gets a pizza delivered but doesn’t have money to pay for the pizza. There is only one logical thing for the characters to do next. She organises an ‘alternative method of payment’; somehow, the delivery guy gives her a ‘tip’ instead.

To me, there’s something incongruous about pizza delivery and sex. The underpaid, overworked guy delivering pizza is covered in sweat and grease from a hard shift. During that shift, he had fifteen people complain about how long it took, three people threaten him with violence to avoid payment, and a near-death experience involving a small crusty white dog.

Ordering pizza alone can also be a low point. You’ve come home from work and sat around for a while. Finally, you peruse your humble abode for something to eat. Shit, you live in an ingredient household. You decide you deserve a little treat.

Your dilapidated body asks, “Any danger of that little treat being a vegetable, sport?” “There are tomatoes in the pizza sauce, and basil leaves are a vegetable, right? It’s as green and healthy as can be,” you tell yourself. The pizza arrives lukewarm, drowning in grease. It nearly falls through the bottom of the box. The crust seems woefully disappointed at how little cheese it got stuffed with. There is somehow less pepperoni on it than ever before.

Perhaps others have had different experiences, but I’d say the pizza delivery process is an inherently sexless one.

Easily-Distracted Plumber Cleans Pipes He Doesn’t Have Qualifications For

Any tradesperson can fill this role, but it is usually a plumber because the scriptwriters see the limitless innuendo potential.

Plumbing is just one chapter of international hero Johnny Sins’ illustrious career. Hot take: I don’t think he’s a good plumber. He’s always in the middle of the job before being interrupted by the most jarring cut to pipe cleaning action you’ll ever see. Does he ever actually finish a job?

I could see myself getting banged by a tradesperson. Not literally, but figuratively. See, I’m not the manliest of men. I often find myself ill-equipped to deal with any issue that arises with my house or car. It wouldn’t be hard to convince me to buy ‘premium air’ for my tyres.

At least I can edit the WiFi router’s settings and change the TV from HDMI1 to HDMI2. My parents think I’m some sort of wizard with tech. In reality, I watched The IT Crowd and learnt to always try turning things off and on again. It’s a shame I can’t exercise that kind of control over other aspects of my life.

After-School ‘Detention’

Coming from an all-boys high school, this one is especially unrealistic and quite problematic. With the vaping, fights, and general disregard for authority, the only romantic chemistry at my school was between teachers and their pre-written resignation letters. The most interesting thing about these videos is often what’s written on the blackboards. One Reddit user noted that they saw the equations: “½ = ∞” and “George Washington + Abraham Lincoln = cool bros.”

My high school had an eventful relationship with porn. During the Covid-19 lockdowns, students were issued with Chromebooks to participate in remote learning. Many bored young men tried to access adult content on said Chromebooks. Their actions came to light during what became known as the ‘Porn Assembly’.

The principal informed the fidgety school hall that each attempt to view porn sent an alert to his email. He played us a government ad that involved two porn stars showing up on a young man’s doorstep to talk to his mum. “If I get any more of those emails, it won’t be porn stars showing up on your doorstep, boys, it’ll be me.”

CAUGHT???!!!!

Porn with a plot centred around the risk of being caught is common. Something about being caught in the act seems to get people positively randy. The so-called “danger-wank” is a notable example. Often, a character is caught ‘choking the chicken’ and receives some ‘help’. Alternatively, it’s someone cheating while their partner is right next to them. The everlasting cliche of this genre of porn is the character’s complete lack of peripheral vision. It’s stupidly unrealistic but hilarious.

In one ridiculous piece of scriptwriting, a guy is taking it from behind while talking to his wife across the kitchen counter. Eventually, she realizes. “Are you guys fucking?! Are you serious?! Right in front of my salad?!”

This genre is seriously odd. We must remember that those around us have working eyes and ears. If you are caught by anyone in an unholy act, their reaction is gonna be a tad different to what you see online.

“Honey, I Think I Downloaded the Wrong Star Wars!”

Pornographic parodies of popular films, TV shows and video games. There is no limit on how farcical they can be. You could argue that choosing to watch something you love get so appallingly repurposed is a form of self-torture. I’d argue that watching Bane cry, “Let the games begin!” as he watches his fly get unzipped brings nothing but joy.

A freaky feature of the porn parody category is a “Star Wars” knock-off in which a male and a female are duelling

with lightsabres in classic Jedi robes. To defeat the male, the female uses the force to manipulate the male’s second lightsabre, which you see painfully contort under the cloth. The music abruptly stops and the camera zooms in on the female’s smiling face. Her enemy is left crumpled on the ground, eyes lifeless; blood inexplicably seeping from his mouth.

Now THAT is cinema. Nolan, eat your heart out.

Perhaps I’ve come off as a little too knowledgeable. All I’ll say is that researching this piece has been illuminating. So, if you think I’m a “creepy connoisseur”, it takes one to know one. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and be lectured by a pervert.