Girlboss, Gaslight, Gabbie: Not Getting Laid? That's OK! You're Still Hot!

COLUMN | SEX

Written by Gabbie De Baron (she/they) | @gabizzlesizzle | Graphic Designer

Illustrated by Chloe Bagayas (she/her) | @lilclodoodles | Contributing Artist

TW: Sex, Sexuality

This is not an article to excuse your partner — especially, if you want to have sex, but you guys just don’t like each other anymore. On another note, it’s not to excuse your (possibly) repulsive behaviour. If no one wants to have sex with you because you exude ‘man-on-the-prowl’ behaviour, then, I’m afraid I can’t do anything about that. That work is all on you, buddy. I am also not asexual. I know this is true because Dev Patel exists and wow. Everything I am about to say is said in the context of consent; it can be given and taken away at any moment. So let’s start: even if I’m somebody that enjoys sex, I wasn’t somebody who was always preoccupied by it — via thought nor action — and that’s okay!

Let’s backtrack. I grew up in a religious environment and in the Philippines. The whole shebang: Christian school, dress code at prom, no hugging at school, purity ring. Growing up, my parents never made me feel guilty for ‘sinning’, in general. We believed in spirituality, but not condemnation. I wasn’t repressed nor horny. I wasn’t really pining to be dicked down, I genuinely had no thoughts about it. Even with dating, I had no feelings whatsoever, in fact. I hated the idea of being in any relationship. I just saw sex as sex, something that happens. If I wanted to have sex then I would… but I wasn't dying to ‘pop my cherry’. It was just an experience. Did I feel religious guilt when it happened? Not at all. Everything they said at church was a lie, you don’t actually get attached to everyone you have sex with. You just have sex with them, like you’re still separate people living separate lives who happen to do each other.

Once I entered the dating scene, I started to learn about what I had to offer as a person. I’m funny, smart, and charismatic. I can carry a conversation, make someone feel good about who they are, and also make them miss my company. I also learned that I enjoy sex, but wasn’t always thinking about it. What shocked me a bit when I started dating, was that sex seemed to be the main currency that people held. It’s like dating in your twenties, but being around guys who talk about sex like we’re in high school. I was in situations where grown men would talk about everything explicitly, even on the first date. As if they didn’t know the first rule of sex: you don’t kiss and tell. I’m not gonna lie, it pressured me a bit. I had no thoughts about sex, and then suddenly, I had to be an expert — a sexpert. It was so hard… navigating this. So I thought to myself ‘god, I’m fucked,’ — and not even in the way I wanted to be.

I realised I was actually dating jerks. After the worst heartbreak of my life, I did a complete one-eighty. I found some like-minded people and I realised that I wasn’t so odd. When it comes to sex, it’s really about what works best for you. It’s not really a bargaining chip if you’ve done lots or not. Go at your own pace. If you don’t feel comfortable flirting so much, you don’t have to. If you don’t feel like sending a hot pic for a hot pic, don’t. If you don’t really think about it, or want it, why should you feel pressured to be having sex just because everyone is? If you’re not getting any, that’s okay.

Sex is just sex. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it can be fucking great, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to make sex your end-all-be-all. No matter how hot someone is, if we didn’t see sex the same way, then we shouldn’t do it together. Sex should be fun, but also an avenue for self-exploration. It should feel safe, no matter what you want to try — my golden rule when it comes to sex: if you feel 50/50 about something maybe just don’t do it. There should be no judgement! Communication is always key. It’s not embarrassing to communicate before, during, and after sex. You can always talk about what gets you going and what doesn’t. So, whether you think about it a lot, or not, I hope you all have lots of great sex, if you want it — or none, if you don’t.