SPILL THE TEA | FEATURE | ADVICE | COLUMN | WHAKAKĀINGA / HOME
Written by Tashi Donnelly (she/her) | @tashi_rd | FEATURE EDITOR
Having a problem with a big life decision? Need some relationship advice? Have a question you'd like pondered? Come spill the tea with Aunty Tashi, Debate Magazine's Feature Editor, so she can give you advice.
Q: Hi Tashi! Longtime reader, first time caller, etc. I've recently realised I've developed feelings for my friend, and I'm kinda fucked up over it. I know she doesn't feel the same, and I'm never planning on telling her since I value our friendship too much (we've known each other for ages), but it's still been bothering me a lot. Any tips for dealing with unrequited feelings?
A: Dear Longtime Reader,
It would be amiss of me not to give you my sincerest condolences. I’m so sorry. Developing feelings for a friend is akin to the complex initiation process for priests in ancient Egypt that included ritual purification, symbolic death and rebirth, and fumbling around in a dark cave for several days. Let’s try to make sense of that together.
The problem with having a crush on a friend is that there are only two healthy options for dealing with it:
1) Suck it up. Rant to your other (trusted) friends about it, and have a fat cry. Crushes last as long as you’re feeding them. If you know that your friend doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, it's your job to nip it in the bud if you want to stay friends.
2) Confess your feelings. She may feel uncomfortable and the friendship might end. But then again, maybe it won’t. You mentioned she doesn’t feel the same way, but you’ve never told her. In an ideal turn of fate, she may be happy you confessed.
All this being said, I’ll get back to your main question.
Unrequited feelings feel fucking awful. I’ve been there, and I don’t envy you. It may sound counterintuitive, but the next time you get The Yearning™, try thinking about (or writing down) the things about your friend that attract you to her. Is it her humour? The way she butters her toast? Does she have an impeccable style? Thinking about the qualities you admire allows you to adopt them yourself and gives you a keen eye for spotting them in others (someone available). And ask yourself: Am I in love with this specific person, or with an idea of them?
It’s important to feel your feelings though. Mourning the loss of a relationship that only exists in your head doesn’t make the sadness feel less real. Consciously grieve the fantasy of being with her—write her a letter you never send, acknowledge the loss, and allow yourself to move forward rather than staying stuck in longing.
We sometimes fall in love with unavailability because it fulfils the longing for connection without the messiness of a real relationship (or potential rejection). But remember that the sexiest and most romantic attribute to look for in a partner is reciprocation. There is nothing hotter than someone wanting to be with YOU.
Q: I cheated on my ex and I want to take responsibility somehow. Ultimately, I have trauma related to what happened and I kept gravitating toward these dark situations but I no longer feel caught in that and I want to somehow apologise better or make good from the bad I’ve done. Do you have any advice on what I could do?
A: Dear AP,
There are two potential realities here. One is that your ex knows about the cheating, you’ve already apologised (but not to your new standard), but ultimately you’ve broken up already. Two is that your ex doesn’t know about the cheating, you’ve already broken up, and you’re looking to make amends for past mistakes.
Apologies can run the risk of being selfish when time has passed. Your urge to “make good from the bad” is admirable but possibly misguided. An effective apology is about acknowledging harm and offering accountability rather than expecting forgiveness. You have to consider why you feel the need to reopen this case. Will this new and better apology help your ex on their journey? Or is this just a way to make yourself feel less guilty about what you did?
I do have some more practical advice for you. Regrettably, I have some experience with similar scenarios. The uncomfortable truth about cheating is, for most of us, it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Millions of factors come into play when someone makes the stupid decision to be unfaithful. It doesn’t make you a bad person; you’re still worthy of love. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s abhorrent behaviour. For the cheated-on person, it brings up feelings of jealousy, abandonment, and rejection. Any trust you’ve cultivated gets biffed out the window. But let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Esther Perel is a Belgian-American psychotherapist who has written extensively on the subject of infidelity, and luckily for you, I’ve read her book; The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. She makes the point that infidelity isn’t just about the act itself but about what was happening internally at the time. What were you seeking or trying to escape when you cheated? How have you changed since then? What patterns led you to these “dark situations,” and how can you ensure you don’t repeat them? This kind of self-reflection will allow you to make sense of what happened. I encourage you to talk to trusted friends or a therapist about the situation.
Instead of making an apology purely about easing your own guilt, Perel would likely encourage you to consider what your ex needs (if anything). If you are no longer in each other’s lives, I’d strongly advise you not to reach out. Consider writing a letter that you don’t send, as a way to process your feelings and reflect on your growth. Perel often talks about how guilt can be a sign of having a good moral compass, but it shouldn’t become self-punishment. You can’t live your life if you’re constantly self-flagellating over every mistake you’ve made. Instead, ask yourself: How can I ensure I act with more integrity in future relationships? Can you engage in work (therapy, creative projects, or helping others) that channels your past mistakes into something meaningful?
Lastly, since you mentioned trauma, Perel would likely stress the importance of self-compassion and continued healing. She often speaks about how past wounds can lead people into destructive cycles, and breaking those patterns is a significant step forward. I’m genuinely sorry you’re feeling shit right now, but I promise it’ll get better if you put in the work. Ultimately, accountability isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about learning from it, making different choices, and becoming someone who acts with more awareness and care moving forward.
Q: How does one acquire a hot goth gf? Asking for a (girl)friend.
A: Dear Yuri Enthusiast,
If only Cupid’s arrow could pierce the Goth Girl of My Dream's skin (preferably for the addition of another sick piercing), so she would fall madly in love with me. Unfortunately, Cupid doesn’t exist. But hot Goth girlfriends certainly do.
My first piece of advice would be to acquire goth friends. It is a well-documented phenomenon that goths tend to flock together, much like the birds they worship: ravens. This might mean you have to take up the Goth lifestyle yourself if you haven't already. Fortunately, I’ve found in my research that there are many types of Goth to choose from: Pastel Goth, Cyber Goth, Casual Goth (Mall Goth), Witchy Goth, whatever a Hippie Goth might be. Heck, if the 5th century sounds more to your liking, you could model yourself after the Visigoths or Ostrogoths, the group of East Germanic tribes who played a significant role in the fall of the Western Roman Empire. Sounds pretty hardcore to me. The options are really limitless. We live in a world where Goth subcultures have evolved, branching into various styles that incorporate different aesthetics, influences, and music preferences. What a time to be alive!
Once you’ve incorporated yourself into the Goth community of your choice, the next step is really very simple. Sheep actually do this part very well. I won’t be citing any research here, since I got this information from a TikTok video, but it sums up the sapphic experience. Research conducted on domestic sheep found that a small percentage (around 8–10%) of rams (male sheep) consistently show exclusive same-sex attraction—choosing other rams over ewes. It was a bit confusing for researchers because ewes (female sheep) didn’t seem to be displaying same-sex attraction at all. What they hadn’t taken into account was how sheep court each other. When a ewe develops a fat crush on a fellow sheep, they show their interest by standing completely still and staring at them. When it's a ram that the ewe is interested in, he’ll be the one to make the first move. But for lesbian sheep, neither makes the first move. They will just stare longingly at one another - much like how I court women as a scared bisexual.
So maybe try staring longingly at women, and hope one of you is bold enough to make a move. I hope this helps.
Having a problem with a big life decision? Need some relationship advice? Have a question you'd like pondered? Come spill the tea with Aunty Tashi, Debate Magazine's Feature Editor, so she can give you advice.
Comments