SPILL THE TEA WITH TASHI | COLUMN | ADVICE | MATIHIKO | TECH
Written & illustrated by Tashi Donnelly (she/her) | @tashi_rd | Feature Editor
Edited by Liam Hansen (they/them) | @liamhanse.n | Editor-in-Chief
Q: (20, he/him)
Hey Tashi, hopeless romantic (or maybe just hopeless?) here.
I've been single since Year 11, and now that I'm in my second year of uni, it's really starting to wear on me. I keep trying, I'm on the apps, and I match with people, but nothing ever comes of it. The conversations just die, or I get ghosted before we even meet. I don't want to sound bitter, but I feel like dating has changed so much, and I honestly don’t know what women even want anymore.
I think I'm a decent guy, I'm studying social sciences, so I'm obviously interested in people, and I try to be emotionally available and understanding. But it feels like that doesn’t matter. I know I’m not a model or anything, but I thought at least my personality would count for something. Maybe I’m just too boring? Too nice? I wish I had more female friends to help me figure this out, but it’s hard to even get to that stage.
Is there something I’m doing wrong, or is this just how things are now?
A:
Dear Hopeless Romantic,
I too have spent unsuccessful hours in bed swiping left and right on dating apps while brewing nasty farts and eating an entire bag of corn chips. I hope this makes you feel like we’re on the same page.
Before I give you my advice, I want to address the overall feeling your letter gave me when I read it. You sound like the story is over already, that you’ve somehow failed, and everything is hopeless. Is there a hint of missing your year 11 girlfriend, and a desire for things to be simpler? I congratulate you on seeking help, and I can reassure you it's not all over. On a planet of 8 billion people, I’m 100% certain there is someone (likely, many someones) out there for you.
You have had success in the past; a high school relationship. A good chunk of your classmates probably haven't dated anyone in their life. Starting university is an exciting social time, so we are told. But there is a big difference in social dynamics between uni and high school. You’ve gone from being forced to be around the same people every day, to being forced to put yourself out there just to make friends who you might only see once a week in your sociology lecture. The fact you’re struggling to find connections at this age is not abnormal, and you’ll find a lot of people are feeling the same way.
So, is this your fault, or has dating become a conspiracy aimed against ‘nice guys’? My immediate answer to this is, No? What? We’re all in this sinking ship together. Dating is hard for everyone. I acknowledge it is harder for some more than others. Being queer, disabled, a parent, or not fitting the Eurocentric beauty standards imposed on us by patriarchal colonialism and the capitalistic beauty industry, all make dating just a bit harder than it is for the Chris Hemsworths of the world. You say you’re “not a model or anything”. Models get paid wages that allow them to maintain that level of flawlessness. You don’t have to look like a magazine cover to connect with people meaningfully. What really matters is how you present yourself—not just in terms of looks, but in confidence, attitude, and the way you engage with others.
Dating norms have certainly changed since our ma’s and pa’s were getting frisky. My mum used to hand-write letters to her lovers. I scroll through my photo gallery and decide which picture of my genitalia looks most appealing before sending it to a potential hookup. I won’t deny things are scarily immediate and devastatingly impersonal. The tech oligarchy has not improved how humans interact with each other. The lizard people who run social media platforms do not have your best interest at heart. Dating apps are designed to make money, not find you a girlfriend (unfortunately). I’m not saying they’re all terrible, I met my partner on Hinge. Some apps are better than others. Maybe it’s time to reassess your approach to dating. Are your conversations engaging, or are they fizzling out because you’re playing it too safe? Are you genuinely showing up as yourself, or are you holding back out of fear of rejection? Instead of worrying about whether you measure up to some impossible app-approved standard, think about what makes you interesting, passionate, and fun to be around. The more you lean into that, the more likely you are to connect with people who actually appreciate you for who you are. So, don’t uninstall the dating apps with the Duolingo!
"The lizard people who run social media platforms do not have your best interest at heart. Dating apps are designed to make money, not find you a girlfriend (unfortunately)."
Rest assured, women aren’t plotting in secret Discord servers to coordinate their responses to certain dudes on dating apps. I wish we had that kind of organisation just to warn each other about toxic men, alas, we’re humans, just like you. If you’re worried that you’re being “too nice” or “too boring” because you think women prefer “bad-boys” or “edgy” guys, let me share my wisdom. Shallow people will always exist. Some people out there, men, women, and everything in between, are vapid. They care only about looks, status, money, power, etc. Instead of worrying about what women might want, focus on showing up as your best, most authentic self. And if a date isn’t vibing with that? Move on. You’re not a lost puppy at an adoption event—you don’t need everyone to pick you, just the right person. Just please, for the love of Beyoncé, don’t fall into a fantasy that all women are searching for the same thing. Andrew Tate is just around that corner.
"You’re not a lost puppy at an adoption event—you don’t need everyone to pick you, just the right person."
You’ve expressed a desire for women’s guidance. I applaud this. You want to have relationships with women, and desiring their friendship should be the first step. Believe it or not, as a little teenage bisexual pick-me girl, I too was confused about what women wanted from me. I spent my teen years with mostly guy friends, thinking all women were confusing, and writing them off as frivolous because I couldn’t bear the rejection. Women are socialized to be polite and accommodating, which can make dating interactions feel confusing on both sides. It’s worth thinking about how power dynamics and social norms shape the way we all navigate attraction. Many men can’t tell the difference between flirting and a woman’s polite attempt to not get raped or killed with any interaction.
I might sound harsh, but what I’m trying to curb before it spreads here is your hint of resentment and bitterness towards women. My advice is: read some feminist literature. Watch a Contrapoints video on YouTube. Learn about women's experiences and don’t use that knowledge to pit yourself against other men. Learn it because you love and care for women. Learn it because, one day, you want to live, love and laugh with a woman every day. After all, women love funny guys.
"My advice is: read some feminist literature. Watch a Contrapoints video on YouTube. Learn about women's experiences and don’t use that knowledge to pit yourself against other men."
Ultimately, you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Focus on yourself and meaningful friendships. Every romantic relationship should be built on the foundation of care, love, and respect you would find in a platonic one. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, focus on what you do have. You said it yourself; you’re a decent guy, you’re interested in people, and you’re emotionally available and understanding. It sounds like you have a lot to work with. It’s a cliche thing to say, but developing your confidence will help you get noticed. I don’t mean what “alpha” males on podcasts would call confidence, strutting around and using pick-up lines. I mean confidence in yourself, your abilities, and your interests. You’re not losing some game you don’t know the rules to, and women aren’t intentionally punishing you for not meeting unreasonable standards. You might not have control over how people behave on dating apps, but you do have control over how you approach dating, friendships, and self-growth. Keep focusing on being someone you’re proud of. In time, with patience, you’ll be all the more appreciative of your future love when you find her.
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