Spill the Tea With Tashi #3: Crushes & Bad Breath

SPILL THE TEA | COLUMN | ADVICE | WHENUA | TOUCHING GRASS

Answered by Tashi Donnelly (she/her) | @tashi_rd | Feature Editor

Q: 22, they/them

As a third year and sadly having no luck in the crush or relationship department, what should I do? Be bold and brave or let the stars decide?

A: Dear Third Year,

Having a crush is a notoriously delightful experience, and as a shill for Big Romance, I’m a huge advocate for them. What better time than your early twenties to engage in the frivolity of crushes and relationships—before your frontal lobe has even fully developed. But I’m saddened to hear that you’re having no luck. Hopefully, I can give you a few pointers to help you get on your way. 

Feeling stuck is frustrating, and many young people are confused about romance and relationships nowadays. It’s okay to feel that way. You’re not alone. If you’re feeling lonely, and want a special someone in your life, there are many things you can do to facilitate that happening—but your question is specific: should you take charge of your destiny, or leave it to fate?

As a professional heartstring tugger and certified HEA (Happily Ever After) enthusiast, I tend to lean towards the enchantment of destiny. I met my partner through Hinge, and when we got together I asked him if we should make up a story about how we met. He was confused by my aversion to telling people we met on a dating app. “It’s just not romantic!”, I complained. Would I have preferred to meet the love of my life on a rainy afternoon in a second-hand book store, where we had a flirtatious debate over Pride and Prejudice before realising we were both fated for one another? Yes. All we have for an anecdote is that I almost swiped left on my partner’s profile because he was wearing a backwards cap in one of his photos. But I digress. The idea of leaving love to the stars is alluring in a way Aphrodite would approve of. But maybe we can find a middle ground. 

I suggest striking a balance between being bold and brave, and letting things unfold naturally. You could work on opening yourself up to new people and connections. If you’re not having luck with crushin’ on people already in your life, you could expand your social circle by starting a new hobby or joining a club. Timing does matter though, and romance doesn’t always happen on our imagined schedules. Some sports player once said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” But then again, that didn’t end well for Oedipus. It's important to remember that no matter how much effort you put in, you can't force fate. You can make requests though. 

My advice? Explore personal growth. Focus on personal development, building confidence, pursuing passions, and strengthening friendships. All of those things are bold and brave, and widen the scope of the stars' fateful magic. Focus on friendships because unexpected romantic possibilities can arise from unlikely places. Don’t rush or settle, it’s better to wait for someone who aligns with your values and desires rather than jumping into something just for the sake of being in a relationship. At the end of the day, whether it's fate or a swipe right, it's about finding the right moment and person—no matter how you get there. And who knows? Maybe one day you'll have that rainy bookstore meet-cute… or maybe you'll just end up with an amazing story about almost swiping left on someone who's now your special person. Either way, stay open, stay bold, and trust that good things are coming your way. 

Q: 23 (she/her)I love my best friend to bits, but there’s one small problem—her breath is bad. Like, really bad. I don’t think she realises it, and I feel awful even thinking about bringing it up, but it’s getting hard to ignore. I don’t want to embarrass her, but I also don’t want to keep suffering in silence (or holding my breath when we talk up close). How do I tell her without hurting her feelings?

A: Dear Anonymous

I commend you on striking the fear of God into me with this question. The only thing worse than smelling bad breath is realising you’re the bearer of it. The sensitivity of the situation you’re in is palpable, and I hope I can help.

It’s never easy bringing up something personal like this with a friend you care about. The fact that you’re so concerned about your friend’s feelings is really very thoughtful. It shows you’re a good friend. There are two overlapping worries in this scenario: the embarrassment of your friend potentially dispensing stank-breath unknowingly upon everyone around them, and the embarrassment of a difficult conversation with a beloved friend who’s ego you desperately don’t want to damage. You’ve obviously come to the same conclusion I have. It’s better to be honest. But how?

Firstly, you know your bestie better than I, so I can’t predict her reaction to this unfortunate news. I know that however gently someone told me my breath stank, I’d be crushed by the information. But I’d rather it come from a close friend than a blunt stranger. There are a few options for how you can approach this. I recommend tailoring whichever you choose to your friend's sensitivities.

1. The Subtle Breeze Warning: Indirectly mentioning the breath issue is an option. You could bring it up in a casual, non-confrontational way. Next time you’re talking about health or hygiene habits, you could mention something like, “I’ve been trying to pay more attention to my oral health lately—do you ever use mints or gum?” 

2. Humour: If your relationship allows for light ribbing of one another, you could use humour to bring it up. But be careful that it doesn’t sound like mocking. A friendly roast sesh could do the trick if you know your bestie's sense of humour well. 

3. The ‘Brushing Up on Health’ Approach: This might be the most blunt way to get the job done, but it might also be the most sincere. Frame it as a concern about your friend's well-being. Something like, “I’ve noticed sometimes your breath seems a bit off, and I just wanted to check if everything’s okay, it might be a health thing?” There are actually a plethora of health conditions that bad breath could be a symptom of, including gum disease, infections, kidney disease, and diabetes. Expressing a concern for the health of your friend (and the comfort of your nose) isn’t a bad thing!

It’s very likely that your friend doesn’t even realise what’s going on, and that there could be an easy fix once it’s brought to her attention. Good communication and honesty are key to any strong friendship. I’m sure your friend will appreciate you letting her know, and it might even strengthen your bond. Maybe she’s been wondering how to bring up with you that your toenails need some attention, and this will be the catalyst for a friendship upgrade: the nothing-left-unsaid stage. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but I’m confident your friend will appreciate your honesty.