To Anyone Who Grew Up in a Religious Household,

FEATURE | SEX

Written by Anonymous | Contributing Writer

TW: Sex, Sexuality, Sex & Religion

To anyone who grew up in a religious household. 

If there is anything I could say to myself when I was having premarital sex for the first time, is that the feelings of guilt will pass away. I know some of you might be reading this and thinking “what guilt?”,  but anyone with overbearing religious parents will know what I’m talking about. No matter how much you try to tell yourself it’s natural, it still haunts you. The thing that haunts you about sex is how much you enjoy it.  

The first time I ever had sex, it was difficult to say the least - not just the fact that it was my first time, but also the fact that my father is extremely religious. I remember afterwards, laying in bed and crying for hours into my teddy bear (he was a true OG) and praying that I could take it all back. For some, this seems overdramatic and silly, but to anyone reading who knows what I’m talking about - this piece is dedicated to you.

It wasn’t easy getting past those feelings of immense guilt for doing something natural,  and to say I don’t experience them now would be a massive lie; I still feel that sometimes, but they have ebbed away. There’s a few reasons it got easier: for one, sex is natural and you shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying it. I’ve never felt so close or so intimate with someone I was dating until I had sex with them and felt truly intertwined with their body. To be able to look them in the eyes and feel a true and genuine connection with them can only be described as love. Don’t get me wrong, a good rough fuck is always nice - but those slow moments are what I think about late at night. When the person who cares deeply about you looks you in the eyes and whispers how beautiful you are, and you know it’s the truth because they’ve seen every crevice of you. 

The second reason is sexual compatibility. I understand the saying, ‘you should test the car before you drive it,’ but I think that’s a really devaluing statement. You’re not taking a person for a test drive to see if they’re good at sex, but rather seeing what you both enjoy together and if you suit each others needs. I can’t imagine anything worse than marrying someone and finding out afterwards that the way you have sex together is unfulfilling. Furthermore, by having sex with your partner before marriage, you get to really know them as a person. A lot of the things I thought were okay in a relationship ended up being sexual assault, just because I didn’t grow up in a sexually progressive family. 

Thirdly, is the notion and belief that every religious person has which is, ‘what if they compare me to past lovers?’ which I think is utter bullshit. If someone truly loves you, they would never compare you to another person because of the way they had sex, and if they do, they were never the one for you. So what if Becky (random name, I promise) had bigger tits and gave a better handjob? Who cares. Never in my life have I ever compared how someone had sex to someone in my past. Never did I sit and go, ‘oh my god, they’re doing this so much worse than blank did’. People will have history, they will have experience with other people and why does that matter? I was with a guy who labelled his insecurity about my history as ‘OCD’, even though he had slept with over 30 women and flaunted it in my face. Did I care? No. Because the past is the past and again, someone who loves you wouldn’t do that. 

The last reason is self discovery. Masturbation is viewed as a sin within religious households, even though it’s a natural exploration of our body. Not that masturbating 10 times a day is necessarily healthy, but by masturbating and learning what you like and dislike, then you can grow as a person. You can be able to show your partner what you like and what you want them to do as a result, which usually leads to an orgasm (what we like!). 

I wouldn’t say changing my mindset on sex was an overnight thing; it led to many arguments with my dad across the living room. But ultimately, one of the key components to a successful relationship is sex, whether we like to admit it or not. Sex has always had an ability to soothe and fix any bumps or pains in a relationship. Some of the worst moments can only be solved through talking and then, you know, sex. God, forgive me for how many times I had to write sex in this, it’s more times than I have said it in the last year in conversation. 

With these things in mind, only then can you choose to move on and forgive yourself for enjoying something that is only natural. By having a progressive understanding of sex we can prevent ourselves from being hurt by other people and understand ourselves as people. 

Use protection and take care always!

- Anonymous :)