What Your Stardew Valley Spouse Says About You

ARTS & CULTURE | GAMES

Written by Dana Dudova (she/her) | @dayna.banana | Contributing Writer

Illustrations by Neena Contreras (she/her) | Contributing Illustrator

DISCLAIMER: This is a lighthearted analysis and by no means a judgement of anyone’s true character! Please do not sue me (Even though we’re in Aotearoa and you can’t … but still). 

Harvey:

Lucky first, is Harvey. Honestly, I can’t slander this man too much as I am guilty of always choosing him on each of my saves. What can I say? Financial stability is attractive - especially paired with a mean 'stache. 

If you pick Harvey, you have studied psychology or read one too many self-help books (such as Attached by Dr Amir) and realised that a secure relationship type is what you look for in life, or if not, you crave reliability. 

Furthermore, you most likely have a thing for nerdy guys (which I’m all here for), and since he’s a doctor and a model plane addict, it all checks out! Looking back on your dating history, you have probably dated one too many guys who have made you realise you prefer a sweet and genuine guy over a petty one (despite Harvey not giving you free healthcare after you marry…). It’s important for you to feel safe and protected in life and there may potentially be some daddy issues lingering in the background. 

Abigail: 

Ah, the goth girl of a financial man’s dreams, Miss Abigail! With her love for video games and great interest in the macabre (definitely search that up), she is great for any player who wants a gamer girl in their life. You most likely enjoy video games, and for some reason in particular, I’m getting CSGO vibes. Just something about Abigail and the people who pick her scream, “I love playing a shooting game where I get trolled endlessly throughout the night!” 

Everyone wants a goth girl like Abigail until they wake up the next morning to find Lunar Tides purple dye has stained their pillowcase (bedding is kinda pricey nowadays!), and let me tell you, that shit does not wash out. 

Alex:

If you pick this man as a guy, you definitely are recreating the high school bully-to-lover arc, which makes me concerned for you. Honestly, I’m convinced he was made as queer bait and reminds me too much of Dave Karofsky from Glee, from the jock persona to the bullying. 

If you pick him and you’re a girl, the majority of your life is spent playing sports and are looking for a gym partner. 

In a nutshell, Alex is for those who believe people are more than their first impression. 

Elliot:

If Elliot is your choice, there is no doubt you wrote fanfiction in intermediate to high school. What kind of fanfiction, you ask? Probably the freaky kind that has to be moderated on AO3, or maybe even Wattpad. I sense that you take a degree in Journalism or English and probably contribute to the Debate Magazine (as you should). 

You drink your coffee black and read Donna Tart’s The Secret History on the porch while smoking a menthol and labelling that as a ‘Dark Academia’ aesthetic (I’ve been there, help is on its way). 

Emily: 

Anyone who picks Emily screams of spirituality and essential oils, and for some reason in particular, Natio skincare. You have an optimistic nature and an overly positive person who finds peace within greenery (all sorts of greens, if you catch my drift). It’s clear you’ve dabbled in a bit of witchcraft and have tried making a soul tie with someone from your past, or even listened to subliminals - sigh. 

Anyone who picks Emily automatically has a crystal collection and has recently or is willing to sign up to a yoga class. If you happen to be a man who picks dear Emily, you’re likely a finance student looking for a ‘Manic Pixie Dream Girl’ to spice up your life… Good luck.

Haley: 

Honestly, if you pick Haley and you’re a guy, you 100% have a humiliation kink. Genuinely no doubt about it. As you make your way to Bar 101 while listening to Ken Carson, Sydney Sweeney comes to mind once again - your ideal type. Or perhaps you’re just a soft-spoken guy who likes to be challenged by his partner…either or! 

If you’re a girl who chooses Haley as your spouse, you definitely are recreating the ideal lesbian crush. Specifically the mean hot girl-to-wife transition that is craved and a bit concerning. Since having watched Yellow Jackets, edits with Shauna and Jackie have dominated your social media feed. It doesn’t help that you like, favourite and send them to your friends every time until they’ve told you to stop.

Leah: 

The ‘cottage-core’ aesthetic is held very close to your heart if this cute artist is your pick. Minecraft is your go-to game and you’ll often explore biomes purely to gather materials to decorate your house.  Don’t lie to me - I know at some point you’ve made a lily pad filled pond next to your house in-game, with maybe a squid if you’re freaky like that. 

Guys who pick Leah just want to be with someone who can dominate them with a hammer and has the potential to break them in half, you lil weirdo. 

Maru: 

WOMEN IN STEM! LETS GOOO! 

According to my very real statistics, I’d gather you major in Computer Sciences or Engineering and enjoy robotics. Innocent and looking for true, genuine love, the only thing that’s really stopping you are the curfews from your strict overprotective parents. The mystery of what’s in this quirky inventor’s basement has made you so curious you’re willing to cough up diamonds to find out. For someone so kind, she is one particular and expensive lady to buy for, so you better budget!

Penny: 

With Penny I’d say the similar thing with Harvey; you crave stability and kindness from your spouse. However, you find yourself to be a rescuer in situations and try to help others in need, especially those who deserve it. Having seen Penny’s living situation with her problematic mum in the trailer, you said right then and there: “I can save her.” Which, in this case, you actually can! And no, you can’t save everyone, but Penny is the exception in this case. 

Sam: 

Yeah, no. It’s clear you have been traumatised by people who have had to be taught how to grow up much too far into adulthood, and that definitely has taken its toll. 

You have a preference for the skater type and think they’re super cool before needing to learn the hard way that they can be described in two words: 1. Emotionally, 2. Unavailable. The desire to become a groupie and get with someone from a cool rock band is strong, and with absolutely no connection you probably frequent the Ding Dong lounge often. Also, I gotta mention - how much hair gel can one man own?

Sebastian:

While you do value your alone time, you wouldn’t mind having a special someone there with you. The ‘bad-boy’ trope is something you often fall for, so the combination of Sebastian’s 2010s emo hair and motorcycle had you falling instantly. You are careful with who you let into your life and tend to isolate yourself, but besides that, you’re a kind-hearted person who strongly values deep connections. It’s undeniable that you had a My Chemical Romance or Twenty-One Pilots phase, or at the very least a questionable Tumblr account where pictures of ‘smoking for the aesthetic’ were a frequent reblog.

I sense some frog vibes off of Sebastian so you most likely have a folder of frog pictures in your phone!

Shane: 

NO. Just no. You cannot change him. Repeat after me: YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM! So stop trying. The chickens are cute though…

Again, just a reminder that this is all banter and not to come to my house with a pitchfork like in Shrek, OKAY?

(Editor’s bonus addition) Krobus:

While unfortunately, you cannot marry this perfect being, let us now take this moment to appreciate dear Krobus in all its glory. The sewer will always be my second home if you are there. Xox -Stella, Arts & Culture Editor