WHINING & DINING | COLUMN | HEALTH
Written by Elle Daji (she/her) | @ellemnopow | Contributing Writer
Siri, Open Tinder
A friend called me rather distraught that the boy she had been messaging incessantly abruptly left her on seen. After thirty minutes of talking her off the ledge and discouraging a double text, our conversation eventually devolved into the regularly scheduled programming of how we are failing our degrees and the clothes that cost three times our weekly pay. Fourty-five minutes of conversation later, he texts her back with a brief apology that he was busy. All is right with the world. And all over, a man she has never met in real life.
The dating realm is full of enough plot-disrupting events, even without technology. The troubles caused by dating apps and the people we meet on them have bestowed enough dinner-time gossip for the next twenty years. From the person you incessantly messaged for weeks, only to ghost you on a regular Tuesday. To the most schmaltzy, sappy first date you went on where you like each other so much you end up kissing over the restaurant table. And maybe in the car. Only for you to never speak again. And finally, the person you’re talking to, not because you like them but because you just need the ego boost. For every sleep-inducing ‘Hey, how’s your day going,’ there is a message sexualising you in the most grotesque way. It’s truly enough to want to clock out of the dating world altogether.
I could go on labouring over the issues caused by dating apps, and in fact, I will. The endless game of ‘hot or not’ now replaces your morning Instagram doomscroll. Intoxicating online conversations can be followed by confoundingly awkward first dates. The misleading feeling that there is an endless tap of hot people who are perfect for you often prevents you from focusing on a select few. Furthermore, there is constant anxiety that the person you seem to have a great connection with is using that thumb to swipe through other options right after your first date.
But the dating landscape, in general, is abysmal. Meeting friends, let alone love interests, is like fishing in a dry sea. So, of course, we turn to the nearest solution, even if it feels like drinking the last dregs of a natty wine purely because you want to get drunk. The apps offer a revolving door of suitors to keep you occupied but never satisfied. A close friend of mine goes on so many unremarkable dates that he doesn’t even bother telling me about them. The thrill of having a new lover to gossip about has faded to a conversation akin to talking about the weather. It’s hard to maintain hope when the external factors are so uncontrollable and seem to be stacked against us.
But I’ll be fair. For every seven horror stories, a couple lies about their relationship origin. The one that beat the odds and is now living happily ever after in a happy, healthy, loving relationship. The best advice I could give is to get off them. Approaching someone at a humble bar feels like committing a criminal offence; it makes for a much better story than ‘we met on an app.’ Plus, you truly can’t beat a ‘meet cute’ and flirt combination. Yes, rejection is deeply humbling when it happens right in front of you, but the sting wears off, even if the memory haunts you now and again. I find it helps to remember that you don’t like everyone you meet either.
However, I get it; dating solely by meeting in person is a gruelling ordeal, and the apps just make your life that little bit easier. Even the person you never thought would be on a dating app is on one. So, I will give you a list of advice that has been passed around, and let’s be real, you’ve probably heard it all before. Manage your expectations by setting up what you are looking for in a relationship. Remember that as easy as it is to match with people, they can fall away just as quickly. The onslaught of people you talk to can be overwhelming, so try to limit the number of people you’re talking to. People can be hot and interesting online and the complete opposite in person. And finally, swipe left on the people with six fish photos, fight the Sunday scaries and those who want ‘someone that doesn’t take themselves too seriously’. Swipe right on the people with carabiners, DJs and your coworkers. Actually, don’t do any of those. I don’t recommend it.
And with that, I wish you well. For all my cynicism and rather bleak outlook on the dating scene, it’s still something that fills everyone’s life with a spot of fun. So Mum is telling you to be safe. Share your location with your friends, and always have a getaway car on speed dial on a first date. Be home by midnight so we can all sit on the floor and gossip. I need someone to live through vicariously, unfortunately.
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