Whining & Dining: Obsession

NEWS | GAMES

Written by Elle Daji (she/her) | @ellemnopow | Contributing Writer

I can’t help it, I’m obsessed!

Over the dirtiest, wettest gin martinis at Beau, some dear friends of mine discussed our recent escapades around Tāmaki Makaurau. After a one-off kissing session with a boy named Matt, my friend Amelia was convinced he was the proverbial one. So far, this is to be expected: a smidge of attachment and romantic feelings after a fleeting tryst. I fear that this was no common crush. Miss Amelia rearranged her university timetable and frequented his study spots to ensure they would run into each other. Amelia memorised his outfit rotation; I must tell you, after she gushed the third time about how ‘Matt is wearing a new shirt’, I got a little worried. For context, his wardrobe consists of mix-and-match long-sleeved shirts and pants, nothing remarkably identifiable. The table gasped at the most egregious offence; she lied to him about running a 10k in Dunedin so their ‘trips down South’ would coincide. She had no plans to be in Otepoti. The death knell of this imagined relationship is that Matt is still in love with his ex. Nevertheless, an idealistic Amelia could not bring herself to grapple with the reality that he does not feel the same. What do we do when the love of our lives exists more in our own heads than in the real world?

In all honesty, I cannot help but fall into the arms of obsession. We might giggle at the silly things our friends do when they get caught up in the turmoil of unrequited love. However, I can dream up entire romantic subplots with someone I just met and often regale the rather mundane details to my friends for weeks after. I often roll my eyes when I catch my mind wandering about the stranger I made half a second of eye contact with. I can dissolve into a world that only exists within the comfort of my own brain. Obsession is scary. All-encompassing emotions that appear at whim intoxicate you, resulting in dissatisfaction and low self-worth. If we can’t keep the reins on her, she often leads us astray. So, out of delusion and into reality.

And so the evening’s discussion on how to knock some sense into our dear friend began. One started our discourse by suggesting Amelia try her favourite vibrator and find another person, or three, to daydream over and get under. In her world, no man is ever worth losing sleep over, especially one you’re not even seeing. She’s probably right. I asked what Amelia even liked about Matt. He was a conventionally attractive man who validated her for an Earth’s rotation. Sure, he was nice to talk to, but the women gathered around the table could provide far superior mental stimulation. Our friend Lily asked if Amelia was bored. The most driven and accomplished type A of us all finds that her work often distracts her from the grip of longing. There were not enough hours in the day to juggle the smattering of daily tasks that populate our calendars. Why should the idea of a relationship get in the way of our own lives? 

Buying a vibrator and finding a new person to let your thoughts rattle on about are undoubtedly useful in the short term. However, as a rather inventive person, it has been a lifelong struggle to remove the prominence of limerence from my life. Having such vivid fantasies can enrich your life with such beauty and excitement. This can be used to your advantage. A man has constructed a room for himself in what little headspace you have. This is enough to drive a woman mad. Kick him out and replace him with your nearest and dearest. Channelling that energy and fascination into your existing friendships can facilitate a deeper appreciation for them. When I transfer the energy that would have been reserved for a romantic life to my main women, I have far greater emotional gratification. Far more significant than what a relationship can provide. Better yet, fall for yourself and get obsessed with your gorgeous existence. Before I get too disgustingly, ‘you go, girl!’ when I am the most distracted, I usually find that I am dissatisfied with what I am doing with my life. Delving deeper into existing interests or finding something novel takes me out of my lover girl daze, most of the time. 

All this advice is easy to spew out but much harder to enforce. I often find that romantic thoughts plague me regardless of how much love I have for my friends. And maybe they always will. Those loud, attention-seeking thoughts never truly leave me, but they get quieter. Over time, they will fizzle out. The more I get Addison Rae obsessed with myself and my life, the less my attention wanders to my attachment of the hour. Then again, Amelia, you can always make like the indie rock powerhouse Blondeshell and put poison in his salad. Then he’ll be dead, and you won’t have to obsess over him.